


Cringe

by muruchwitch



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Depression, F slur, Falling In Love, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Illness, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, Reddie, Sad times, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, The Losers Club, angst whore, finding yourself, i'm sorry okay i promise theyll be okay, minor Stenborough, other mood disorders, reddie fanfiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-28 21:42:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12616172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muruchwitch/pseuds/muruchwitch
Summary: “I WILL NOT HAVE A FAGGOT AS A SON.” Mrs Kaspbrak’s palm struck Eddie across the face, silencing him.“I guess you don’t have a son then.” And with that Eddie, hand pressed to his burning cheek, walked past her, out the front door and into the night.





	1. I Said I Saw You In The Water

**Author's Note:**

> This story has a major trigger warning for self harm and suicidal thoughts. It's not a happy story. But it will have a happy ending, I promise. 
> 
> My tumblr is: muruchwitch
> 
> If you need to talk to someone about the content of this fanfiction please feel free to message me xxx

_“Mom… Please…” He whispered pleadingly to his overbearing mother, in the back of his mind wondering if maybe he should of just kept his feelings to himself, bottled them up and tried to forget about them._

_“Being a homosexual is a mental illness…” Mrs Kaspbrak began, but Eddie cut her off._

_“No Mom! There’s nothing wrong with me! I’m not sick! I’M JUST FUCKING GAY. I like boys, Mom. I want to hold hands with them and kiss them and-” He cowered from her, holding his hands up in front of him so that there was distance between them, squeezing his eyes shut and wishing he could sink into the floorboards._

_“You’re sick, Eddie.” Sonia said sternly, her tone clearly implying that he was not to argue with her._

_“No I’m not. Mom-”_

_“I WILL NOT HAVE A FAGGOT AS A SON.” Mrs Kaspbrak’s palm struck Eddie across the face, silencing him._

_“I guess you don’t have a son then.” And with that Eddie, hand pressed to his burning cheek, walked past her, out the front door and into the night._

 

Eddie stood up and shook his head in the hope of dismissing the memory, before taking a couple of large gulps from the bottle of amber liquid then tossing the bottle down onto the dirt. He’d found the bottle of bourbon in the secret hiding spot he and his friends had made at the quarry. A wooden box hidden in the roots of a large tree containing cigarettes, candy, a packet of matches and a bottle of bourbon stolen from Richie’s parents. He let his head drop back, looking up at the stars through the branches of the trees that surrounded the cliffs edge, then looked down into the dark water far below him. Inching closer to the ledge he closed his eyes, taking a long slow breath, shaking out his limbs a little.

 

It wasn’t unusual for Richie Tozier to drive around Derry at this time of night. His parents weren’t even home this weekend, not that it would’ve mattered because they didnt take any notice of their son anyway. Even if they did it was to berate him about something stupid, so most nights Richie would get into his beat up old truck and drive the streets of the small town, most of the time ending up at the quarry where he and The Losers Club spent most Summers together. Parking up on the side of the road, he plucked a cigarette from the pack, placing it between his lips and searched his pocket for a light.

“Fucking idiot.” He cursed himself, realising he didn’t have one with him, then remembering the lock box he and his friends had at the Quarry.

Minutes later, cigarette still in his mouth, Richie wandered through the trees of the forest along the worn down path towards the quarry. He enjoyed the quiet of it all, the moon creating shadows through the trees, a slight wind whipping at his black curls. As the trees opened up to reveal the clearing that was the diving cliff, Richie saw a figure sitting on it’s edge, shoulders hunched over and shaking. He recognised the boy ahead of him as Eddie Kaspbrak, his best friend.

 

“Eds?”

Startled, Eddie turned around to see Richie Tozier come into view a few metres from him, concern etched in his features.

“Don’t call me that. And… and fuck off.” Eddie tried to be staunch, acting as if everything was normal. Richie frowned, his eyes flicking down the the half drunk bottle of bourbon in the dirt, then back up to his friend.

“Eddie, what are you doing down here at this time of night? And what’s with the late night binge drinking?” He nodded at the bottle.

“Oh fuck off Trashmouth, like you give a flying fuck. Hah, like anyone does.” Eddie laughed bitterly, the sound unsettling the taller boy immensely.

“What are you-” Richie went to step forward

“No! Fuck off Richie! Eddie glared at the taller boy, his face was blotchy and he had clearly been crying. “You don’t understand, you won’t get it. Just leave me alone.” Eddie was shaking now, tears threatening to slip from his brown eyes. His feelings were so overwhelming, and so was the alcohol, he feared that he might spontaneously combust at any second.

“Eds, I swear to fucking whatever if you don’t tell me what the fuck is going on, so help me I’ll-” Richie took a step forward, and in response Eddie took a step backwards but stumbled, a silent cry escaping his lips as he fell over the cliff’s edge.

“EDDIE! FUCK!”

 

Richie didn’t even think, didn’t spend a second waiting, he just sprinted forward and leapt. The fall was quick, his body hitting the water almost instantly, the cold stinging his skin.

“EDDIE!?” Richie screamed as he broke the surface of the icy water. He kept whipping his head around, trying to spot the small boy in the dark, his jeans making his whole body feel weighted down.

“Rich-” The voice was cut off by a splashing, but richie swam toward it, catching Eddie by the collar of his collar, heaving his body toward him.

“It’s okay Eds.” He spluttered as he struggled to paddle towards the earthy shore line that rose up onto a small bank, the place where Beverly Marsh would sunbathe on hot days at the quarry.

“It’s okay, c'mon Eds, I got you.”

 

“Don’t call me th-that…” Was the only mumbled reply Richie heard before pulling Eddie onto the dirt.


	2. I Got A Secret Starting To Rust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie and Bev discover Eddie's secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has a major trigger warning for self harm and suicidal thoughts. It's not a happy story. But it will have a happy ending, I promise.
> 
> My tumblr is: muruchwitch
> 
> If you need to talk to someone about the content of this fanfiction please feel free to message me xxx

Eddie lay curled up in a large blanket, the one Richie kept in his truck in case he slept in it, asleep on the backseat’s aged leather upholstery. Richie had managed to carry the small boy back to the road where he carefully tried to make his best friend comfortable. Fear had started to eat at his insides, his mind racing, trying to figure out what Eddie had been doing before he had got to him. He knew something was seriously wrong, his childhood friend didn’t drink and he certainly didn’t just leave his house in the middle of the night, for fear his mother might have an aneurysm. Getting into his truck and starting it, he suddenly realised he had no idea what to do now. It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t have the means to look after someone, he could barely look after himself, and it wasn’t like his parents ever taught him anything about love and care. Pulling out into the dark road, Richie drove towards the only person he knew would be awake right now; Beverly.

 

Beverly’s aunt had moved to Derry so that she could continue going to school with her friends. The redhead lived in the same apartment she always had, however it’d been re-decorated. It was brighter now, clean white walls and the curtains were always open to let in the natural light. Pulling up on the sidewalk haphazardly and without even turning off the engine, Richie took off at a run, up the fire escape’s rickety stairs to Beverly’s bedroom window, pulling it open not bothering to announce himself.

 

“Bev! You gotta- Eddie he- You gotta help-” At this point Richie’s desperation had caused tears to stream down his freckled cheeks. He was still soaked from the quarry, fingers numb and shivering.

 

“Richie, slow down, tell me what’s-” Beverly said calmly, standing up and walking over to him from her bed, But Richie cut her off.

 

“Eddie! He’s- he’s done something stupid and now he’s unconcious in my car!” he grabbed her hand, all but dragging her out the window and back to the car, pointing at the backseat, his eyes wild. When Bev saw the small bundle that was Eddie Kaspbrak, shaking and soaking wet, on the back seat of the truck, she calmly got into the drivers seat, beckoning Richie to get in the passenger side.

 

“What happened, Rich?” The readhead’s voice was monotonous; but steadied. As Richie explained the evenings events, Bev’s brows became more and more furrowed, wheareas Richie became incresingly hysterical. His fists were clenched so tightly that his knuckles were white, and at one point in his story he actually lashed out and punched the dashboard, hot angry tears spilling from his ever saddening eyes. Everything Richie told her seemed so out of character for Eddie Kaspbrak, he was sweet and kind, the most innocent of the group of losers. In the back of her mind, Beverly couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe Eddie had been keeping a whole part of himself hidden, even from his best friends.

 

As they pulled into the driveway of the Tozier’s house, Bev noticed that none of the lights were on inside. The house looked lonely, just a structure that put a roof over people’s heads, no warmth generated from the family inside. The readhead cleared her throat as she turned of the ignition, turning to her friend with a sad smile playing on her features.

 

“Nobody home.” It wasn’t a question. “Come on, let’s get Eddie inside. Take him up to the bathroom okay? We need to get this kid warm.” Richie nodded at her instruction, hopping out of the passenger side, and going to retrieve the unconcious boy from the backseat. Once inside, Richie carried Eddie bridal style up the stairs to the small bathroom at the top of the landing. Closing the door behind him, he sank to the floor with Eddie still in his arms, cradling the small boy in his arms and sobbing into his wet brown curls.

 

“Ed’s you fuck- Please just-” Richie’s cries were wracking his body now, a tightness growing in his throat, his chest was tense. He thought about Eddie. How he put up with all of his trashmouth antics, how he always had a spare pair of Richie’s glasses just in case he got hit in the face when he spoke without thinking, how he always bought Richie extra lunch because he knew that his parent’s didn’t care. As they got older and entered highschool, Eddie had become Richie’s confidant, his other half. On the night’s Richie’s parents were too much and the boy would turn up at Eddie’s window, the hypocondriac would let him into his bed without a word of complaint and hold him as he cried into his shirt until he would fall asleep. When Eddie had seen the parallel cuts on Richie’s wrists he had taken the time to clean and bandage them with the supplies from his fannypack, and when the cuts turns to scars he would trace his fingers over them and tell Richie that they proved he survived. There was never a time that Eddie Kaspbrak wasn’t there for Richie Tozier.

 

“I love you. I love you. I love you.” He whispered, just as a quiet knock sounded at the door, and Beverly’s soft voice sounded through the aged wood.

 

“Rich? I’m coming in okay? I’m going to help.”

 

“Kay.” Richie’s voice was weak, and when Bev entered the dark bathroom, he looked at her with so much hurt in his eyes it almost broke her heart.

 

“Rich, we gotta get him undressed, get him warm y'know?” The readhead put a hand on his shoulder, kneeling down beside him. Richie nodded numbly, beginning to pull at Eddie’s soaked shirt while Bev held him steady. Trying to undress an unconcious person was stupidly difficult, their arms fell at weird angles and they couldn’t obviously follow any instructions, but the two teenagers managed, finally getting Eddie down to just his boxer briefs so that they could dress him in some of Richie’s clothes. Beverly was about to go and retrieve the dry pyjamas from the bedroom when Richie grabbed her hand, stopping her.

 

“Bev.” Richie’s voice was barely audible, but when Beverly saw what he was staring at, she was quiet too. Right at the top of Eddie’s thighs, just below where his briefs cut off, were what looked like very deliberate, horizontal scratches. As they looked closer, Richie noticed that there were thin white scars cross-hatching over Eddie’s warm skin, and his heart shattered. He pulled Eddie into his arms once more, holding him around his small waist, the other hand on the back of his head, nuzzling his nose into the smaller boys cheek.

 

“I’m so sorry, Eddie. I’m so sorry.” Beverly left the bathroom then, wanting to give Richie a moment.

 

“Wh-why’re you sorry?” A mumbled voice replied lazily.

 

“Oh my god, you’re awake. Eds, I thought- Oh my god- BEVERLY!” Richie felt Eddie’s arms snake around his neck, hugging him tightly.

 

“Why am I undressed- Wait-” Eddie pushed himself off Richie’s lap, scooting backwards, searching blindly for something to cover himself. He was frantically trying to reach for a towel off the rack whilst keeping his knees tucked up to his chin, but Richie stopped him, reaching for his hands as Beverly ran into the room, sweatpants and one of Richie’s shirts tucked under her arm.

 

“Eds, we’ve seen them.” His voice was warm, full of care, a tone that nobody really heard from Trashmouth Tozier.

 

Bev crouched down beside Eddie, putting an arm around his shoulders and pressing a kiss to the side of his head. Eddie’s whole body seemed to deflate then, crumpling forward into Richie’s chest, fresh hot tears welling up in his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak but couldn’t find the words. What could he say to them, that could make any of this better? After a painful silence which was only broken by his own crying, he was surprised when Richie tilted his chin up, cupping the smaller boys cheek with his palm, stroking his cheek with the pad of his thumb so that he brushed away Eddie’s tears. Without breaking his gaze, Richie reached out his free hand towards Beverly, who handed him the clothes without question, then maneuvered herself around the two boys, mentioning something about making tea, then slipping out the door.

 

“Rich-” Eddie started, but Richie shushed him.

 

“C'mon Eddie Spaghetti, let’s get you warm. Okay?”


	3. Look What I've Done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie tries to explain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has a major trigger warning for self harm and suicidal thoughts. It's not a happy story. But it will have a happy ending, I promise.
> 
> My tumblr is: muruchwitch
> 
> If you need to talk to someone about the content of this fanfiction please feel free to message me xxx

Neither of the boys really spoke after that. To Eddie’s embarassment, Richie refused to leave the room whilst he dried off properly and changed, instead turning to face the door so the smaller boy had some sort of privacy without having to be left alone. With nowhere to look but at the flecking paint of the bathroom door, within the brief moments that Eddie was changing, Richie fell deep into his own thoughts. He had so many questions, that Eddie probably didn’t have answers for, yet he wanted to free the words from his mind and place them between the two of them, letting them hang in the air even if they went unanswered.

 

Downstairs, Beverly found two mugs, teabags, and some Milk ‘n’ Cereal bars. The Tozier’s kitchen was small and cluttered, empty liquor bottles on the windowsill above the sink, old newspapers piled on the dining table, and the garbage can in the corner needed emptying desperately. It reminded the redhead of how her apartment was when her father was around; dark and well… sad looking. Pouring water into both mugs, wishing she could do more for the boys upstairs, she headed to the fridge for milk. The fridge, which she assumed was once white, but now was more of a niccotine stained yellow, was practically empty, but there was a carton of milk in the door. Pinching the top open to pour a splash in each mug, Bev recoiled as the smell of putrid dairy wafted into her face. Deciding then that Eddie and Richie could just cope with having black tea, she threw both tea bags and the milk carton on top of the trash can then headed upstairs, managing to take both cups and the box of cereal bars with her.

 

Eddie sat on Richie’s bed and was silent still, feeling numb to the situation around him. He was practically swallowed by the shirt he was now wearing but it smelt like cheap aftershave and cigarettes and completely- Richie. He breathed in the familiar scent, comforted by it, slowing his breathing and closing his eyes.

 

“Hey… Eds?” Looking up he saw that Richie was still standing in the doorway, leaning up against the frame, watching him with cautious eyes.

 

“Can I sit?” The taller boy asked, chewing on his bottom lip a little, waiting for a response.

 

“It is your bed.” Eddie shrugged.

 

“Oh so he does speak!” Richie teased gently, walking over and sitting beside Eddie, who had an almost nonexistent smile on his lips. He hunched down, so that he could look up into Eddie’s eyes, raising an eyebrow quizzically.

 

“Is that.. Is that a tiny smile I see, Eddie Spaghetti?” Eddie tried to hide it, turning his face away from his best friend, but Richie wasn’t having it and moved the smaller boy’s face back towards his own with a cupped palm, looking at Eddie solemnly, the tone of the moment changing.

 

“I need you to talk to me, Eddie. Please…” Taking a breath, he continued, his voice faltering slightly.

 

“I’m not angry at you. I couldn’t ever be angry at you, Eds… But I just don’t understand. You can talk to me about anything, you know that. But why not-” Richie gingerly place his hand over Eddie’s thigh, where he knew the scars were under the layer of fabric..

 

“-why not this?”

 

The silence was deafening. Richie had heard the saying before but it hadn’t made any sense to him; until now. He moved so that he was holding both of Eddie’s hands in his own, rubbing small circles on the back of them with his thumbs, waiting for a response. Tears had begun to fall down Eddie’s face again, silently spilling over the curve of his cheeks.

 

“It makes everything go away.” He finally whispered.

 

“But tonight… What were you doing down at the quarry?” Richie asked tentatively, still holding Eddie’s hands. Beverly appeared, two steaming mugs in her hands, smiling gently at the both of them before putting down the tea on the bedside table before sitting on the floor in front of Eddie’s legs, leaning her head on his lap.

 

“I don’t- I think my mom disowned me. Or… I disowned her?” Eddie shook his head, trying to get the words he wanted.

 

“Can you divorce your mom? Cause if you can, I think I did.” Richie and Bev looked at him confused, but expentantly, willing him to continue.

 

It took the Kaspbrak boy almost an entire hour to explain everything. He had to start all the way back to the Summer when they fought Pennywise the dancing clown, when he had seen the leper. He had never told any of the losers what the leper had done, how it had screamed at him that it would blow him for a dime, hot panting breath in his face, distorted features that oozed and seeped foreign liquids. His friends had always assumed that Eddie had seen the leper because of his fear of disease and getting sick, but there was another reason that the hypochondriac had kept quiet about all these years.

 

“I’m… I’m gay.” He breathed out, putting his head in his hands and beginning to sob again. Bev and Richie looked at eachother with concern etching their features. All of the losers club had suspected this about Eddie, but never wanted to push him to come out if he wasn’t comfortable. None of them judged him or thought any differently about their friend, but they were certainly worried about the reactions of others in Derry so they kept pretty quiet about the whole thing.

 

“Yeah, so?” Richie broke the silence that was still lingering around the three of them. At his words, Eddie stood up suddenly, shoving Richie and glaring at his so fiercely that the taller boy actually shrunk back a little.

 

“So? So?! So what, Richie?!” Eddie threw his hands up in exasperation and Beverly tried to reach for his hand but he swatted her away.

 

“You want to know what happened tonight? I told my Ma. I told her I was a fucking flamer; that I liked boys. You want to know what she did? She hit me. Told me that I was sick, that I’m fucked in the head.” He held his index finger to his temple like a gun, gesturing pulling the trigger.

 

“Eds…” Richie’s heart was breaking just watching him.

 

“I went to the Quarry to fucking get it over with, okay!? I’ve had enough of everything and fucking shredding my skin wasn’t helping anymore and my own mother told me she doesn’t want a faggot as a son-” He spat the word out like it had a bad taste. “-so the only conclusion I could come to was leaving… But I couldn’t even get that right.” Eddie choked out, falling to his knees and wrapping his arms around his torso.

 

Richie moved first, crawling off the bed and onto the floor, pulling Eddie by the shoulders into his arms. Bev shuffled over a moment later, encircling her arms around both of the boys, her eyes wet with tears. There was nothing to say, no words could make the situation ease, so they just stayed like that and held eachother until eventually out of sheer exhaustion they feel asleep.

 

They didn’t noticed the sun rise, the sky turning to pink then orange, the pale glow coming through Richie’s bedroom window. The three teenagers were curled up in one another on the dirty floor of a neglected boys bedroom, Beverly nestled up like a cat, her back facing the two boys who were entangled in each other; Richie’s head resting on Eddie’s hair, the smaller boy’s face nuzzled into his neck. They were safe and sound, the three of them peacefully unaware of what the next day would bring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to stop writing chapter summaries because I'm so bad at it.


	4. Heads On The Fritz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has a major trigger warning for self harm and suicidal thoughts. It's not a happy story. But it will have a happy ending, I promise.
> 
> My tumblr is: muruchwitch
> 
> If you need to talk to someone about the content of this fanfiction please feel free to message me xxx

Richie was worried. Ever since the night that he saved Eddie, the small boy had been drifting further and further away from everyone, becoming a sort of recluse. Eddie came to school still, which Richie thanked his lucky stars for, because otherwise nobody would see him. But Eddie had changed so much in a week. His pastel polo shirts and shorts had been swapped out for an old pair of jeans matched with huge dark sweaters which swallowed his small frame. His hair was not in its usual parted waves, but unkempt and messy. The thing that was most ditressing was Eddie’s eyes. instead of their usual warm brown, with a kindness radiating from them that made Richie feel like he was home, they were dull with dark shadows under them. His best friend was disappearing right in front of him and nobody knew how to help him.

 

Eddie hugged his books to his chest and kept his head down in the halls of Derry Highschool, hoping that he was just as invisible as he felt. Not even Ashton Brookes, the new form of Henry Bowers, could affect Eddie anymore. He swaggered passed Eddie in the hallway in between classes, sneering at the younger boy as he did. Ashton was also a sophomore, but unlike the losers had idolised Bowers and his gang, instead of fearing them like everyone else. He wore his hair spiked up on its ends, the tips had been bleached, making him look like he’d been electrocuted.

 

“Hey Faggot.” He grinned at Eddie, expectantly, waiting for his reaction.

 

“Hey.” The hypocondriac accepted the name without complaint, and continued towards his next class, leaving the bully standing in the corridoor, slightly bewildered. 

 

Eddie had gone home to his mother, against the protests of Beverly and Richie. His mother was using silence as a weapon, but continued to let him live in the house. She just pretended that he didn’t exist and Eddie didn’t really feel like he did anyway, so it seemed to be a fine arrangement in his eyes. He used his earnings from working at the pharmacy to buy food for himself that he kept in his room, and bought any school supplies that were required for his classes. Working at a pharmacy, Eddie always had any medical supplies he needed right in front of him. His fanny pack which he still wore hidden underneath his jumper, always contained supplies. Antibacterial wipes, bandaids and steri-strips, asprin, his inhaler that he didn’t really need anymore but was just there as a comfort, and one small single edged blade. Just in case.

\--

It was a cool day out, but the all the losers (except Eddie) were sat around a picnic table out in the school grounds for lunch. Everyone was chatting, Ben was talking about homework that he hadn’t started and asking if anyone wanted to go to the library after school, Bill and Stan were talking with Mike about how he should defintely try out for football, and Beverly was doodling on her hand with a marker. Richie was quiet. Bill was the one to notice first, handing his taller friend half a sandwich, looking at him with soft, concerned eyes.

 

“W-what’s up, Rich? You’re n-never t-this quiet.” Mike and Stan stopped talking and looked over at Richie, and Ben put down his book.

 

“I… I need to talk to you guys about something.” Richie said, taking a bite of the sandwich. Beverly looked up then, moving her hand and placing it on Richie’s forearm, shaking her head at him, but he continued, despite the look Beverly was giving him. They hadn’t spoken to the losers about what had happened between the three of them but, as if it was some sort of silent agreement, they had decided it was best that they kept their mouths shut.

 

“It’s about Eddie.” He exhaled, his friends waiting expectantly waiting for him to continue.

 

“Spit it out, Trashmouth.” Stan probed, the rest of the losers nodding.

 

“He’s in trouble… We have to do something.”

 

\--

 

A week came and went, and then another, and still nobody had really seen Eddie. It was almost as if the other losers only saw shadows of their old friend, an illusion of him in a hallway or they would catch a slight glimpse of his figure ducking around a corner; he was there, but always slipping out of sight.

 

It was Thursday when Bill found Eddie at his locker, piling books into his arms as quickly as humanly possible.

 

“H-hey Eddie, do you n-need a hand?” Bill put a hand on his friend’s shoulder, getting his attention. Eddie flinched at his touch, shrinking away from him, but attempted to right himself and offered Bill the smallest of smiles.

“Hi, Bill. No, no I’m fine, it’s okay, I should probably get to-” Eddie mumbled, trying to close his locker.

 

“D-do you want to come have l-lunch with us today? We all really miss you.” Bill asked tentatively, moving between Eddie and the metal locker, closing it for him then turning back to his friend, looking hopeful.

 

“Uh, yeah. Okay… Usual spot?”

 

“Yep, B-ben’s mom made brownies! I’ll see you at lunch.” Bill went to ruffle Eddie’s hair, something normally quite usual for the pair, as Bill was like an older brother to him. But he decided against it halfway through the gesture, so instead awkwardly moved to rub the back of his own neck, not wanting to overdo the affection and scare Eddie off. Apparently the shorter boy didn’t even notice the small mishap, and turned to walk towards his next class, giving Bill a small wave as he did. Bill waved back, but guilt was washing through him, knowing that Eddie was oblivious and was definitely going to act badly to what was planned for him.

 

Eddie’s morning classes were as usual, uninspiring and tedious. He had tried to concentrate, but his mind kept wandering to different thoughts. It was as if his mind wasn’t able to comprehend one idea at a time, memories and scenarios racing behind his eyes and he was reaching for them without the ability to grasp them and hold them. He thought about Bill, how he was like a brother to him, who always looked out for him. How Stan was always so soft spoken and honest. Ben who was always so kind and willing to help him with anything, and Mike was always so strong and dependable. The only girl among them, Beverly; was fierce and headstrong. And then, there was Richie. Loud mouthed and brash, riculously impulsive, and somehow incredibly lovable. Eddie did miss them, all of them, but his heart ached for Richie the most.

 

Wandering out into the school grounds at lunch, Eddie saw his old friends at their usual table, under the shade of a tall aspen tree. Ben, Bill and Stan were all on one side, bunched together and talking amongst themselves. Mike was beside them on the grass, leaning up against the trunk of the tree, throwing bits of grass at the back of Ben’s head and laughing when Ben didn’t notice the sprigs of green littering his hair. Beverly was beside Richie, their backs facing Eddie, Richie leaning his head on Bev’s shoulder, whilst he flicked a lighter continuously with the pad of his thumb. Stan saw Eddie first, nudging Bill with his elbow and they both waved him over.

 

“Spaghetti Man! Come sit between me and Bev, I’ve been keeping a spot warm for you.” Richie sat up, grinning at him and patting the spot beside him.

 

“Don’t call me that… But uh, thanks for saving me a seat.” Eddie forced a smile and sat down and then looked up at the rest of the losers.

 

“Thanks for inviting me to sit with you guys… I’ve missed you.” Swallowing hard, Eddie spoke again but his voice was quiet, almost ashamed. “I’m.. I’m really sorry I haven’t been around much lately.”

 

Bill cleared his throat, looking from Stan to the rest of his friends. “Well actually, we wanted to t-talk to y-you about that…” He trailed off, looking helplessly at Ben who stared wide eyed back at him the mumbled out something that Eddie didn’t quite hear but was certain he had said Richie’s name. Eddie’s brows furrowed, looking at his friends, none of them willing to meet his eyes. The quiet around the seven of them clung to them, hanging off of their shoulders. It was Stan who finally broke the silence.

 

“Richie told us everything.” He stated matter of factly, looking at Eddie directly to get the point accros. Richie looked guilty, his head drooping so that his hair fell into his face and hid his eyes, Beverly went to touch Eddie’s arm.

 

“Don’t. Touch. Me.” Eddie announciated each word, his voice sharp and he turned to face Richie.

 

“How could you do this to me.” He was shaking now, his tone venemous. Richie said nothing.

 

“We’re worried Eddie… We just want you to be okay.” Ben tried but when Eddie whipped his head around glared at him, he went quiet.

 

“You couldn’t expect us to just let you carry on the way you are, Eddie.” Stan stated, his voice steady. “You can’t just go around doing what you’re doing to cope. It’s unhealthy and frankly unsanitary.” Once again, there was silence from the rest of the group.

 

Eddie felt like he was underwater. Not drowning, just as if everything he heard was muted and far away. He stood up and pushed back from the table, his vision blurred with angry tears. He turned back to Richie, who still hadn’t looked at him and shoved him as hard as he could forcing the taller boy to look at him.

 

“I hate you.” Eddie choked out. “I fucking hate you Richie.” And then he turned, and ran.


	5. All Of My Attempts Seem To Weather

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR WARNING FOR SELF HARM IN THIS CHAPTER. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
> 
> This story has a major trigger warning for self harm and suicidal thoughts. It's not a happy story. But it will have a happy ending, I promise.
> 
> My tumblr is: muruchwitch
> 
> If you need to talk to someone about the content of this fanfiction please feel free to message me xxx

“Richie!” Bev groaned, covering her face with her hands. “You didn’t even say anything-” But Richie had already thrown himself from his seat and was running full force in the direction Eddie had gone. The losers watched him go.

“You think he’s going to apologise?” Mike asked

“You really think Richie “Trashmouth” Tozier is one to say sorry?” Stan replied, rolling his eyes.

“You n-never know, Richie is r-really close with Eddie. And after e-everything…” Bill went to continue but Beverly stopped him. She felt as if someone had punched her in the gut, knocking the wind out of her. Richie had realised before any of them. Eddie was going to do something reckless.

“Oh fuck.” Bev grabbed Bill by the collar and pulled him out of his seat. “We have to find them. Now.” She threw her backpack over her shoulder and sprinted towards the west entrance, following Richie, the others on her heels.

\--

“Eds! Wait!” Richie yelled breathlessly, his feet hitting the pavement at a steady rate as he tried to catch up to his friend, only to see him slip through the doors of the school building out of sight. Barging through a crowd of people who were trying to leave, Richie hurtled down the hallway, screaming out for his friend. Rounding a corner he saw that a bathroom was up ahead on the left, pushed the door open and stepped inside. For a moment he thought the room was completely empty, until he saw that the furthest cubicle was shut.

“Eds?” He whispered, walking cautiously over to the locked stall, placing his hand flat on the door. He could hear sniffling from behind it, a soft sob every now and again. Richie closed his eyes and sighed.

“Eddie. Is that you? Open the door, please.” There was still no answer, so Richie backed up intending to bust the door down with a kick, but was halted by a touch on his forearm.

The five other losers stood in the bathroom, looking confused and frightened, Beverly holding onto her friend’s arm in a fierce grip.

“Let me talk to him, okay?” She patted his shoulder, then knocked on the stall door softly as Richie and the others watched in anticipation.

“Eddie, it’s Bev. Can you open the door?”

“I… I can’t.” The response was barely a whisper, so quiet that the redhead pressed her ear against the cubicle just to be able to hear him.

“Okay. I’m going to open it alright? Breathe, Eddie. It’s going to be okay I promise.” Fetching her school bag she rifled through it until she found what she was looking for; a small metal nail file. Placing the edge of the file along the line of the lock’s backing, she turned it slowly, eventually unlocking the door from the outside, pushing it open.

\--

Nobody was prepared for what they saw.

Eddie sat on the toilet, slumped against the wall, his large jumper on the floor beside him. Richie pushed Bev aside, getting to Eddie as fast as he could, ignoring the blood and vomit that he was now kneeling in. His best friend was barely lucid. He was ghostly pale, his face was cold and drenched in sweat. There was a deep gash across his forearm, just below his elbow, wide and open. Blood was still pouring from the gaping wound, seeping into Eddie’s jeans and dripping onto the tiled floor.

“Eds what’ve you done!?” Richie was distraught, grabbing at Eddie’s face and shoulders, trying to get the smaller boy to look at him, but Eddie turned away, his face crumpling, trying to pull away from the firm grasp Richie had on him.

“I didn’t. I didn’t mean to.”

“Richie get out of the way.” Bev pulled Richie by the back of his shirt. “Richie move!” She shoved him out of the stall, leaving him to stand helplessly with the others, watching Bev with their eyes full of fear. She began to pull toilet paper frantically out from the dispenser, pressing it into Eddie’s arm, apologising over and over at his cries of pain.

“Shit, it’s just soaking through.” she muttered, “Bill! I need your scarf!” Bev waved her free hand behind her until she felt soft wool touch her fingertips. She didn’t have time to thank Bill or even look at him, instead began to wrap Eddie’s arm tightly. Tears were falling down Bill’s cheeks and he looked as if his heart was breaking, and of course it was. Eddie was like his little brother and since Georgie’s death he had become incredibly protective over the Kaspbrak boy, and now he appeared to be bleeding out in a school bathroom. Bleeding out because of a self inflicted wound. Bill turned away from the scene, to Stan who was almost as white as Eddie, frozen still with shock.

“Stan. Phone. Go find a phone. Call an ambulance.” Bill didn’t stutter once as he instructed his friend, pushing him out of the bathroom door, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, then turning back to where Beverly was bending Eddie’s elbow so that his hand rested on his shoulder, the makeshift bandage growing darker by the minute.

“Bev. Wh-what do we do?”

“Mike, Ben, I need you to stand outside and make sure nobody comes in here.” The two boys nodded, moving towards the door and Richie went to follow.

“No.” She growled at Richie, her voice low. “You stay. He needs you.”

\--

Eddie drifted in and out of consciousness, the mild sedative that a nurse had injected in his arm finally taking effect. He had no idea what time it was now, but he was so exhausted, and his body felt weak. He assumed he was in a hospital, the artificial brightness of fluorescent lights, and the smell of disinfectant haunted his senses. Irritated by the light above him, he closed his eyes and fell into a restless sleep for what seemed like hours.

\--

The losers sat in one of Derry Public Hospital’s “family rooms” in silence. Bill and Stan were curled up on a sofa together, Bill stroking his hands through Stan’s hair, the Jewish boy still reeling at the sight of terror that they had just witnessed. Ben and Mike had found a set of playing cards and Mike was quietly trying to teach him how to play solitaire unsuccessfully. Bev was talking to a nurse outside, reassuring them that Sonia Kaspbrak would be called as soon as possible. Then there was Richie, perching on the windowsill with his head pressed against the glass, tears rolling down his face. He hadn’t spoken since Beverly had told him to stay with Eddie, and that was almost four hours ago, probably the longest time he’d ever been silent in his short life. When Beverly returned she walked straight over to the crying boy, placing her hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently.

“You can’t blame yourself for this Richie.” Her voice was gentle and full of concern, as if she could hear what Richie was thinking, knowing that he was being eaten from the inside by guilt.

“How can I not?” It was barely a whisper but Bev heard him, pulling him by the arm into a tight hug, holding him close. She felt his weight fall onto her, Richie letting the redhead hold his entire body up. He was taller than her, but the way his body collapsed into hers made it so that Richie’s face was pressed into her shoulder, his tears becoming complete choking sobs.

Bill and Stan stood up first, walking to their two friends, joining the embrace. Bill could hear Stan crying and reached to take Stan’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers. Mike pulled Ben up from his seat and they fit themselves into the group hug. Ben pressed a soft kiss to Beverly’s shoulder while Mike patted Richie on the back, kneading small circles at the nape of his neck to calm his breathing.

Maybe it wasn’t a traditional family, but that didn’t not make it one. Their ties to each other didn’t need to be bound in blood, even if they all had a scar on their hand to prove it.

\--

_He is walking through the woods towards the Barrens. The sun is streaming through the trees, warmth from its rays coating his skin. It’s Summer and he and his friends are going to meet at the quarry and go swimming. Eddie Kaspbrak is thirteen years old; young and carefree. The trees open up, revealing a cloudless blue sky, a cliff’s edge, and four other boys who are all smiling and waving at him. All of them strip down to their underwear, the heat almost unbearable, and the cool water is beckoning them. They begin hocking loogies over the edge and into the water below them, Eddie’s hits the ground in front of him and Richie laughs at his attempt. They argue over whether it is about how far a loogie goes, compared to it’s size. Bill asks who is jumping first, but before he can answer a voice from behind the five of them calls “I will!” and there is Beverly Marsh, freckled skin and short fiery hair, undressing and racing towards them. No, past them, off the cliff and into the water below. All of the boys are in awe, Richie cursing at her spontaneity. Bill goes next, leaping in after Bev. Stan Ben and then Richie follow after him, leaving Eddie standing alone._

_And then, the sky changes. Suddenly it is dark, the night sky dark above the murky water of the quarry. The wind whips at Eddie’s face and he is shivering from the cold. The tree branches around him seem more like skeletal arms now, reaching for his small body, trying to grab him and drag him back but instead he walks forward, to the verge of the diving cliff. Everything is quiet now, nothing is distracting Eddie and he is focused; calm. Looking down, he sees his friends laughing and splashing in the inky pool, playing “chicken” and “dunkers” in the light of the moon. They call to him, coaxing him to take the final step over the edge, and he does. He is falling.He wants to open his eyes but the force of air hitting him makes it impossible. He wants to open his eyes and see his friends and the sunshine but he knows now that they are not there. This is what he knows he needs to do, to make everything better. To make his mother’s life better, and let his friend’s get on with their ever achievable futures._

_Eddie is falling, falling, falling, all the way down. He hopes he sinks._

\--

Eddie lurched forward, breathing heavily. His nightmare having woken him from his slumber in a fit of terror. Light filtered through the blinds to the right of him, signally that it was the morning and he had been in hospital overnight.

“Hey, woah there Spaghetti Man.” Richie lazily lifted his head from the edge of the hospital bed, his voice was scratchy and his eyes were bloodshot and swollen from crying. “Lie back down Eds. I’ll go find one of the hot nurses and tell them that you’re ready for breakfast.” Standing up from the chair at Eddie’s bedside only to be prevented by a hand finding it’s way to his.

“Please don’t leave me.” Richie turned to see Eddie’s eyes fill with tears, a few escaping down his cheeks. Squeezing his hand, he nodded and sat down again, trying to look anywhere but the smaller boy’s face, afraid of the words biting at the tip of his tongue.

“Eddie I-” Richie stopped, not knowing how to articulate how he was feeling. He wanted to tell Eddie how scared he was, how all he wanted to do was help him, make sure that he was safe. How sorry he was about how he handled the whole situation and how the guilt was eating him alive. He needed Eddie to know how much he cared about him, how strong his feelings for Eddie really were. But the words won’t come.

“I don’t hate you, y'know.” Eddie’s voice was quiet, but the intensity was still there. “I could never hate you, Richie. I-” He was cut off by the lightest of kisses, Richie’s hand cupping his cheek ever so gently, their lips brushing together for just a second. Eddie leaned into the kiss, reaching his hand up to hold onto the back of Richie’s neck. He was still weak after everything, but kissing Richie made him feel like none of it had happened. Their kiss was interrupted by the sound of a door opening. Richie pulled away from Eddie, who pouted until he realised they were not alone anymore.

A nurse stood in the doorway, looking extremely awkward with a clipboard tucked under his arm and a tray of hospital food in his hands.

“Uh, sorry. I came to see if Mr Kaspbrak was awake but clearly he is…” He trailed off, looking uncomfortable. Richie took the tray from him and placed on the table beside Eddie’s bed and sat down, blushing a little. The nurse, whose name was apparently Brad according to his name tag walked around to the side of the bed where an IV bag was hooked up and began scribbling on his clipboard. “Okay Eddie, we’ve got you on some fluids for the blood loss and you were given a mild sedative to help with the shock.” Eddie just nodded numbly at him, not entirely taking in what Nurse Brad was saying. Richie reached over and took Eddie’s hand, linking their digits together and squeezing. Brad checked off something on his papers and started for the door but turned before leaving. “Once you’ve had breakfast, I’ll get a someone in to do your psych evaluation. But you just rest up until then, I can see you’re well looked after” He smiled at Richie, nodded, then left the two boys alone in the room.

As soon as he was gone, Richie grabbed a fruit cup from Eddie’s tray and pulled the top off of it, grabbed a spoon and handed it to him.

“You want me to feed it to you, Eddie-bear?” He waggled his eyebrows and laughed when Eddie swiped the cup out of his hand, glaring at him. Finally more relaxed, seeing Eddie perk up a bit and begin to eat, Richie lay back into his chair, swinging his legs over the arm of it so that he was lounging in it. Finding his cigarettes, he took one out and placed it between his lips, lighting it and inhaling slowly. At the sound out the lighter click Eddie turned and stared at Richie incredulously.

“Richie. You can’t smoke in a hospital.”

**Author's Note:**

> I’m still trying to figure out my formatting bare with me. The title is from the song ‘Cringe’ by Matt Maeson. The characters are aged up, probably around 16? Feedback is much appreciated ❤


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